While I still care about Matthew as much as I think is possible, let me tell you why dating someone for two whole years before they leave on a mission is one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

Sometimes the advice and words of family and prophets is given because they can see the future consequences when I cannot. Being together with Matthew was the best time of my life, and I don't regret a single minute; I just wish I would have done it differently. I didn't see anything wrong with us being together because it just felt so good. But you can't really prepare yourself for how you're going to feel when someone you've spent every day with for two years, just ups and leaves for the next two years. I was sulky and selfish, and I focused a lot on what I DIDN'T have. I seemed to only notice things I was missing out on. I was lonely and picky about who I let console me. And I was so busy being like that, that I couldn't even see all the trillions of blessings right in front of my face. Matthew has been gone for about 7 and a half months now, but I feel like I've learned more in the past couple of weeks than I have his entire mission so far. It's kind of like I woke up one day and finally saw how much I have. And that in itself is such a blessing. 

My really good friend Mike Stanley got home from his mission a couple weeks ago, and him and his family came to visit my family last night.  Between games, Mike, his brother Ben, and their dad Dave went over to the piano and started singing, and pretty soon my brothers and my dad joined in. It reminded me so much of when I was younger and my family would just sing around the piano for hours. Those guys just belting out "Hey Jude," "Let It Be," and "Hallelujah"...It was one of the happiest moments of my life and such a perfect reminder of how blessed I am. I'm so grateful to have such talented, fun, loving people in my life. I'm grateful for good, lifelong friends like the Stanley's. And especially at this time of year, I'm grateful for a loving Redeemer so that I can enjoy these blessings on Earth with the peace of knowing that I don't have to leave them behind when I leave Earth. 

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope it'll be as happy for you as it has been for me. And if it hasn't been yet, then I invite you to LOOK for the blessings around you; I guarantee you'll find them, and they will make you so, so happy.

10 things I learned this weekend.

1: I find it hard to listen to anything but Frank Sinatra.
2: I feel better when my room is clean.
3: And cleaning is rejuvenating. 
4: I'm not really shy- I'm just an observer.
5: I'm ready to feel needed again.
6: Taking responsibility pushes me to do and be better.
7: Breakfast At Tiffany's (the movie, not the song) will never, ever get old and will always be my favorite.
8: And Moon River is my favorite song right now.
9: Long solo drives are like meditation for me.
10: I'm a wreck. 

Sparky.

You know what's exciting? My really really really good friend Matthew (Sparky*) Finn comes home on Wednesday! Remember two years ago when all my friends started leaving on their missions? Remember how exciting/depressing that was? I'm so, so excited for all of them to start coming HOME from their missions! I'm especially excited about this one. He really helped make my high school experience. We was into me during my most awkward high school days, and we even dated for a while. But mostly, we've just been best friends who enjoy creme soda runs and mid-day drives. He's never let me down and I know I can always count on him. These past two years have been so incredible for him, and he's grown into such a powerful person. I'm so excited to have my dear friend back!! And I'm getting ridiculously excited for all my soon-to-be returned missionary friends that will follow within the next couple of months. 

Plus, it gives me hope that someday two years will actually pass for my other Matthew, and he'll come home someday. 

Isn't it crazy how time passes? I remember graduating 2 and a half years ago and thinking how awesome it was...now I'm like, who gives? Ha. Just kidding. All I'm saying is, time always goes by. It never stops passing. I guess I need to be more careful in how I'm spending that time. 

Anyway. Welcome home to the greatest friend a girl could ask for! Can't wait to see you, Sparky!! 

*Yes, I realize that it's weird to call a grown man Sparky. Old habits die hard, you know?

beautiful moments.

I think I fall a little in love with a lot of people all the time. Doing more things alone has given me more opportunities to catch people in small moments, when they think no one's looking at them. I fall in love with people absent-mindedly twirling a strand of their hair, tapping their toes, strumming their fingers on the steerling wheel, licking their thumb to turn a page in a book. All creepiness aside, I think there's something terribly beautiful about a person who is lost in a thought. And I especially love to catch someone who is looking at someone else the way I am looking at them.

I love doing video because it allows me to capture a lot of these moments forever.

Halloween.

Early fall has always been one of my very most favorite times of the year! Autumn colors, my birthday, pumpkin carving, hot chocolate, and Halloween!

I don't know exactly what you'd call my costume this year. People would ask, "Are you Dorothy?" "Are you Wendy?" And I just kept replying that I was ....a german girl? Matthew sent me this dress from Germany, and he wanted me to wear it for Halloween so badly. He told me that he made sure to pick the color of dress that would go best with my skin tone and hair color. Haha. So I googled pictures of authentic german styles and tried to copy them. I guess Dorothy/Wendy was the result, but I told everyone to just call me Gerta. 

My last week of October was filled with a big Halloween party with my good friend Austin, a cookie decorating contest at work, filming an engagement video for a sweet friend from St. George (stay tuned!), Thriller at Tuacahn, a bridal shower for Matthew's sister, carving pumpkins, and passing out candy to cute kids. How was the spooky holiday for the rest of you?

I don't know how November got here so quickly, but I'm sure ready for it! 

Please just be genuine.

Can I tell you something?

Within the past couple of months, I've really learned how much I appreciate the company and friendship of people who are genuine. 

I think it's a shame that many of those people don't realize the impact that their Spirits have on the rest of us. It's times like these for me, when times are a lot different than they've ever been, that you find out who your true friends are, and the kind of people you want, and need, to be better friends with. 

Please, click around and allow yourself to be inspired by a few of my favorite genuines and friends, and let your heart feel cozy.

Laura. For being younger than me, but knowing and understanding so much more about the important things in life than I do. Every.single.time I talk to this girl, or read one of her blog posts, or see a candid picture of her even, I gain a deeper understanding of how beautiful the world can be, if you so choose to allow it to be. This girl has her head on dang straight. She knows exactly what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. ALSO, just when you need comforting words the most, she will tell you that she prays for you, remind you that you are strong and that you know yourself well enough to know what you can do. And the thing is. I don't doubt a single word of it when it comes from Laura Cottrell. She holds true to the meaning of genuine in every way.

Krista. I can't even tell you how excited I was when Matthew told me that one of his best friends Drew (who was still on his mission at the time) was writing our friend J-Salt's little sister. Why was I so excited? Because Matthew wants to live by Drew for the rest of his life, and if that's the case, I could tottttally handle hanging out with this girl while those boys do boy stuff during the next 50 years. She's incredibly beautiful inside and out. Just even take a glance at her Facebook page and you'll be able to tell that she is REAL. real, real, real. love it.

Robin. (Not that you're going to find an updated blog post from her...) but still. I can't even begin to tell you what this girl has meant to me throughout the years, and especially lately. She was one of my first friends after moving from St. George, and our friendship has just grown ever since. But she waited for her missionary (who just got home a couple of weeks ago!) and going through the same thing at the same time was so awesome. The day Matthew left, do you want to know who was there first thing, Kleenex, magazines, and Gossip Girl in hand? Robin. Who doesn't care if I randomly start crying while we're hanging out? Robin. Whose there to go see all the new movies with me? Robin. I'm not even kidding you guys. Friendship at it's finest. She is one of the few friends in life that cares no matter what. 

And real quick, because this is getting so long: 

Mikelle Pyne, for texting me and checking up on me all the time.

Ashley Remund, for still being my long distance best friend, even after all these years, and for rooting for me and Matthew like no other.

And of course, my whole entire family for being my very best friends in the world. But that goes without saying...

Oh, you guys. Being genuine is so important. People can tell, you know, whether you're genuine or not; whether you TRULY care about them or not. It's about being a good friend, even when it might not be the most convenient time. It's sometimes about sacrifice. Visiting your friend, just because you know they need a pick-me-up. I can't tell you how much of this special kind of friendship I've seen from people that I didn't even expect it from, and honestly how little from friends I thought I was closer with. Be a better friend tomorrow than you were today. Be more real. Inspire people. Just do it. I love these people, and so many more who are so supportive every single day. 

I mean... you know? It's HUGE.

p.s. In case you were wondering, Matthew is doing great on his mission. :) I declare him the best missionary out there! He was just made a trainer on his 3rd transfer and he says he's learning so much. And he's almost to his 6 month mark!! He may or may not have approx. 568 days left....

p.p.s I'm wanting to make more videos like crazy, plus I'd really like to build my portfolio! If you would like a complimentary video shoot with your lover, your family, promotional video for your business, a documentary on your Grandpa, anything. You just let me know. Hit me up. like now. Go. Ok.

Let's make lemonade.

Coldplay

I'll be honest. When Matthew left on his mission, it was harder for me than I like to admit.

( I know. I talk about him toooo much.)

So, when I decided to move to Logan, I believed something magical would happen.

And at first, it actually was kind of magical.

Logan became my very own place where not EVERYTHING reminded me that Matthew was gone.

(I know, that's pretty selfish of me...but it's how I thought.)

Not only that, but living with my big sister, who I look up to enormously, is pretty much the funnest thing I've ever done and the best decision I've ever made.

But then, USU wasn't the answer I thought it was going to be, and my job became less than bearable. 

Now I kind of feel worried that, because of stupid desperation and anxiety, I've landed myself somewhere where I'm maybe not meant to be.

Maybe it's not that...but like...has anyone else been to 4 universities and not been able to mesh with any of them? haha.

Oh, it's pathetic.

Luckily, until I figure out the best thing for me to do, I still have my camera, my family, and especially that brilliant sister of mine I mentioned before for comfort and advice.

And Coldplay. I still have Coldplay.

Tell me. What do you guys do with the lemons life throws at you? How do you make lemonade?

5 not-so-secret secrets.

1: I miss my dear friend Abigail. 

2: I'm learning to play guitar.

3: I miss Matthew more than words can describe.

4: I am weak, but learning to get stronger.

5: I am moving to Logan in a week from tomorrow.

All of which are because God has a plan for me, and he wants me to learn and grow, and he knows that I can't do that without getting out of my comfort zone. It's crazy how quickly an invite from a sister, that would never beforehand even be considered an option, can turn into the most needed, sought after adventure that the entire Earth pushes you toward. 

Obstacles are demolished, dislikes and fears are overcome. And it feels so good to finally be on the right path.

p.s. I'm sorry I've become so bad at blogging. I promise to keep you in the loop once I make my move. 

More to come. 

On happiness.

Today I was reading some old comments that some of you lovely people have left for me on my blog posts in the past. 

About a year ago, someone said, "You have a great life, by CHOICE, and I admire that." 

I've thought about that comment often since then, and 

I really felt proud that someone could say that about me.

Lately, however, I wouldn't say that that is the case. Ever since Matthew left, 

I've been a huge downer, pretty selfish, and also pretty lazy. 

But I am grateful that at any point in time, we have the opportunity to change, and that is my vow for today and every day from now on.

I'm determined to make my world beautiful in every way that I can, take pleasure in the little things, learn from the big, be a better person, and grow in every way possible. 

That might require some changes that are out of my comfort zone, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

And if you need it, I challenge you to do the same. 

10 days later

We first heard from Matthew on Tuesday via e-mail, but on Wednesday I finally got my own personal letter that was just to me. Matthew asked, "What do you do with all the time that you used to spend with me? From the looks of it, it seems like you spend it writing me!" haha. While I have written a decent amount of letters in the past week and a half, I am also enrolled in summer semester. I can't tell you how much I love being in school now that Matthew is gone. My two classes on campus don't actually start until June 26th, but I have two online classes that I've already started working on and they have truly helped keep me sane. I love having something productive to do; something that is getting me somewhere. I've always appreciated school for that reason. 

Without my classes to keep me busy and my late-night drives with mom, these past 10 days would have gone by even slower than they already have. If I dare say that that is possible. 

How do you guys feel about school? Love it? Hate it? Boring? Do you even go to school? What's better: being a full-time student or full-time employee? Who else, like me, is both?

Impossible.

10 things I learned this weekend

1: I am not a very patient person. (4 more days until I get to see Matthew...)
2: Not having to work for an entire week and a half is soooo nice.
3: I miss going to school. Online classes aren't the same. Am I crazy?
4: Keeping a journal is the best habit. I'll never be upset if I record a seemingly boring day, but I'll always regret not writing about the best days. 
5: St. George rain will forever be better than American Fork rain.
6: I really really miss Matt Finn.
7: FatBooth is a reallllly fun app. Let's just say...you would not want to see what I would look like 100 pounds heavier.
8: Happy people are the best people to be around. 
9: I need to learn to be more selfless.
10: I do want to travel, but only if it's with people I love.

How was your weekend? Did you learn anything new?

Opinions Wanted.

I have a question for all of you, and I would appreciate as many answers as possible. 

Which do YOU think would be a better accomplishment to have done before Matthew gets home in 2 years?

Option #1: Have $15,000 saved....

OR!!!!

Option #2: Have visited Greece, New Zealand, Spain, Australia, Germany, Ireland, Mexico, Disneyland, Africa, and Italy again?!

When I was sitting there just thinking about how lucky Matthew is to get to go to German, I got so jealous! I lovvvved my experience in Europe and I've been craving to go back ever since. And then I though..why not just go there myself? And everywhere else I want to go too!? I just feel like I have to go everywhere! When will I ever be this free again? I think I'm gonna do it. and I think I'm gonna start this summer. Where should my first destination be?!

Back in Primary

 

Oh, has it been ages? Did you possibly think I may have passed away the day after Valentine's Day? 

Well, I am back to tell you about my new church calling! 

Last Sunday, my bishop called me into his office and asked me to be the teacher for the Valiant 11 primary girls. 

Of course I excitedly accepted.

Yesterday was my first day in the class. It took me 5 seconds to know how much I am going to love being in there with them. They are all so beautiful and precious...they seem so young. It made me think of myself at that age, and then I knew exactly why I had been called to that age group. Ironically, that year, 11 going on 12, being in 6th grade, was the worst year for me. I was always the shyest of my friends, which I think made me seem more naive and innocent. Not only did I seem that way though, I really was. And much to my surprise, many of my friends who were once the same way, were changing really quickly. Maybe I was older than most of you by the time you learned about this stuff (I already said I was naive!), but some of my closest friends started making small changes that had major negative affects on me. Swearing, drugs, making out with guys  (haha) and little things like this seemed huge to me at the time. I was constantly uncomfortable, and getting used to it was just not an option for me. I told my friends straight up how I felt and I had to let some of them go. Isn't that funny? Now, I don't often even make a comment when a friend swears. And THAT is why I think I got this calling. To help me remember that those little things are HUGE. That was the year my testimony grew more than any other year, and hopefully I can have some sort of impact on those adorable innocent girls. 

Already after 2 hours they have made the biggest impact on me. 

Also, you all heard Matthew got his mission call to Frankfurt, Germany, right? He leaves May 16th, and is so so so excited. 

I know you want to, throw all of your advice at me for my waiting time! GO! 

Come listen to the prophet's voice.

Lately, I stress and I fuss more than usual. (which was already a lot)

I stress that I'm taking meaningless classes. I stress that Matthew is leaving soon, and I've stupidly made him my only friend. I fuss because my body aches, without quitting, and it's so weird because I feel pain in three different places in my fingers, which just tells you how much it hurts everywhere else. Is there such thing as rapid-onset-full-body-arthritis? Or is my job just getting to me?

Luckily, I know the best, nay, the one and only, hiding spot from all of these things. And today is YOUR lucky day, because I am letting you in on my secret hiding spot.

What you'll need:

a comfortable place to sit or lay

earphones

a smart phone or laptop with internet

and lds.org

When I've made all the calls that I need to for the day at work, I put my earphones in, and I turn on the General Authorities. I sometimes sit at my desk for 6 hours, typing up applications while listening to the beautiful, peaceful, hopeful words from God through his servants. At my own little desk, in my own little world, I laugh, I cry, and I smile along with the prophets of our Heavenly Father. And then I realize:

I don't need to rush through college, despite what everyone else says. Matthew is going to be the best missionary in the world, and writing him is going to be a wonderful learning, (and romantic) experience for me. And my body aches (most likely) are not permanent.

I'm not gonna lie, every talk is absolute perfection; but some were meant especially for me, exactly where I am at this point in my life. And since so many of you are in the same point of life as me, I'll give you my favorites. I invite you to feel peace.

 We are the Greatest Generation

                                L. Tom Perry

Give us This Day our Daily Bread

                                          D. Todd Christofferson

The Holy Temple-A Beacon to the World

                                  Thomas S. Monson

Face the Future with Faith

                                  Russell M. Nelson

Desire

                         Dallin H. Oaks

Your Potential, Your Privilege

                                   Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Guardians of Virtue

                             Elaine S. Dalton

Coming to Know

                             Rosemary Wixom