Watching our dad in the hospital for the past few weeks has been extremely difficult and exhausting, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's painful to think that just a few weeks ago everything was normal. Now we are losing a little bit of our dad every day. Some days are worse than others. He's not really able to walk anymore, especially not on his own. He's losing muscle strength, and can barely even hold his own head up. His speech is slurred, his memory is fading, and he is in pain most of the day. 

Every day after work I head straight to the hospital to spend time with my dad. Most days I head up there twice a day. I love my dad so much, and I can't explain how hard it is to watch him go through this. But we're grateful for each other, every day miracles, and the promise of eternal families. The Lord is definitely watching over us. 

GNO + TRADITION

For as long as I can remember, my family has been full of incredibly fun traditions. Creating and developing these traditions has been one of my mom's favorite things to do, and she seriously kicks butt at it! I get baaaddd FOMO when my family gets together, and I can't be there for whatever reason, because I know how much fun they're having! I can't even really say that I look forward to any tradition more than the other, because my mom has made them each so creative and fun.

One tradition that I love is our Girls' Night Out while all the boys are at priesthood session. Dinner, Deseret Book, painting, and cupcakes make for the perfect girls night. I got the best mama and the best sisters in law in all the land. 

GIRLS DAY + PLEASE HELP ME BECOME A BETTER VISITING TEACHER

It was so nice to wake up on Friday with nothing to do except have a fun girls day with my girl Kenzi! She stayed at my house with me when she came up for the wedding, and we had a blast. We took our time getting out of bed, headed up City Creek and did a little shopping, had lunch at Kneaders, and grabbed some things for the girls I visit teach--on the last day of the month--oops! Later that night we stuffed ourselves with pizza and chocolate while we watched The Ringer and The Longest Ride, because what girls day doesn't end with good food and a chick flick, amiright? 

p.s. Anyone have any tips on how to be a better visiting teacher? I'm so not into the whole "visit once a month and leave a spiritual thought" thing. I'd way rather make some truly good friends out of it, and just don't know how to make that happen! 

Self-Image

I'm 100% a sunshine kind of girl, but these last couple of days have been perfectly rainy. 
I just love what rain does to the colors of the world.

You wanna know what crazy thing I did last week? I quit my day-job. (Insert hands-to-cheeks-with-mouth-open-wide/the classic face of Kevin from Home Alone here.) Really, this is crazy!! If you know me at all, you know I've relied on a full time job for the past 5 years. And there's a lot that goes into the reasons why, but I'm taking it as a major opportunity. Over the past couple of years, I've been dabbling with videography, and I've just loved it. Ever since I shot my first wedding, I've had a small-but-steady flow of jobs come from it, but I've always, always wanted to do more with it. I always held a full time job and never really had the time/energy to put more into it, though, and lately that's been getting to me. Even while I was doing work that related, it wasn't the same as being able to take on projects that are my own. 

I thought leaving my last job would bring a lot of fear and anxiety, but you know what I've been thinking since I made this move? 
Why didn't I do this years ago??!

And I'll tell you why. I've never really been one to care what others think of me, but I never really thought much about what I thought of myself either. Does that make sense? It's what I titled this post. Self-image. You know, that internalized war you fight with yourself on a daily basis. The war of which the outcome determines how you act, how you treat others, and how you treat yourself. Isn't is ironic that the casualty is also the assailant? Yet we make the conscious effort to lose more often than we allow ourselves to win! I'm guilty of this. We all are. 

One thing I LOVE about the gospel is that we're constantly taught how we're perfectly imperfect. And one day I will truly come to realize the validity of that statement. And you should too.

You're beautiful if you let yourself be beautiful.
You're kind if you let yourself be kind.
You're creative if you let yourself be creative.
You're a great videographer if you let yourself be a great videographer.

You with me? Amiright??

Thursday, Third Day.

"Monday, one day,
Tuesday, two day,
Wednesday, what day?
Thursday, THIRD DAY!"
--Joey Tribbiani

In other words, I watch too much Friends. But then again, is there such thing as "too much" Friends? 

We're not gonna answer that...

Man, life's been crazy the last little bit. I feel like most of it is too personal to put on the ol' blog, but, in short, my dad has cancer. What started out as Melanoma skin cancer, has turned into a few tumors on one of his lungs, brain, and a few other places as well. 

This morning I escaped to the mountains to do some thinking about where my life is going, decisions I've made recently, and decisions I still need to make. 
Being in the mountains is always where I find peace.

Oh, how I wish I could carry the burdens of those who suffer. But I can't, and I'm so incredible sorry about that. 
Trust in the Savior. He's the only person who can. There really is no other way to get through this life.

10 Little Updates

1: Last Tuesday I was sick in bed, and I didn't get to spend it with Nathan like I usually do. I was bummed about that, because I had planned on taking him to the LDS Face to Face-- a broadcast for young, single adults with Elder Holland, Elder Hallstrom, and Sister Stephens. Although I didn't get to take Nathan, I was able to watch it online. It was so uplifting, inspiriting, and exactly what I needed. The concept was that anyone could tweet in questions, and they would answer as many as they could during the broadcast. One of my favorite things that Elder Holland said at the end was, "Whatever the question, the answer is the gospel of Jesus Christ." It really put so many of my personal questions into perspective. 

2: Thursday was a rough day. We got some bad news about the health of my dad and of my brother, and I was just struggling. I'm lucky to have the people in my life that I do. My friends Cami and Carlee took me for a drive, helped me forget what was going on for a while, and had me laughing in no time. Speaking of--did you guys know that on the iPhone, you can text an emoji, and (with a certain setting turned on) your phone can speak the emoji?  "Smiling pile of poo"<---haha b="" dying.="" i="" was="">

3: Friday night was girls night! My sister Katie is a Mary Kay Consultant and was having a party. Afterwards, Cami and I went back to my parents and watched the Lizzy McGuire movie. haha! It'd been way too long since I'd seen it.

4: Saturday was my parents 35th anniversary! They spent the weekend away, and my mom got a new ring! It's beautiful.

5: Saturday morning Cami came with me to take Nathan to get an MRI. Did I already mention how lucky I am to have the friends that I do?! I was feeling really overwhelmed with having to take Nathan by myself. I don't know what I would've done without her there. Probably cry the whole time in the waiting room because I was so anxious haha.

6: Sunday I got to Skype Kamila! Kamila is my foreign exchange student from my Junior year of high school. We used to be a lot better at keeping in touch, but I know it had been a few years since I'd really had a good conversation with her. But we talked for 2 hours! It was great to catch up. I just love her. :)

7: I know this is pathetic, but in all my years of life, my "scripture study" has been more or less just reading through the Book of Mormon. There have definitely been times where I've been more "studious" about it than others, but it's always been cover-to-cover, and starting over again when I finish. This week I decided to start studying the characteristics of Christ found in Preach My Gospel. I'm starting with Faith, and will continue to study it until I feel like it's time to move on to another one. It's been an incredible experience so far. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone needing a change in their scripture study!

8: Daylight Savings is killing me. That's all I'm gonna say.

9: Monday was the Bachelor finale. haha. It's funny that that's noteworthy enough for me to put on here, but it is. The best thing is that every Monday I get to spend the night with my friends and sisters, relax, and get into a stupid TV show. Yeah, we know it's a shallow show, but it's more about who you're with than what you're doing. I'm gonna miss it until the next season starts! 

10: Tonight Nathan and I decided to go to the mall to look for a new wallet for him. He gets cash and gift cards sometimes, (holidays, birthday, etc.) and I felt like he needed one! We happened to have a gift card to JCPenney, so we decided to start our search there. Nathan turned down every single wallet they had! haha, it was so funny. BUT I did catch him eyeing this shirt, and it was the only thing he said he wanted. You guys, he's the best! He's got so much personality in him. I wish everyone could see it.

Merry Christmas.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yes, Jesus Christ. In other words (and in efforts to clear up any misconceptions), I am a Christian. Thus along with the rest of the Christian world, I celebrate Christmas.

I just want to bear my simple testimony that I know that the Savior lives; I know that He was resurrected by His infinite glory, through the Father, to overcome death - not only for himself, but for all of us. I know that His atonement is something more than my mortal mind can fully comprehend. But I am ever so grateful for the mere glimpses of understanding Heavenly Father has granted me through sacred experiences. I know that we can return to live with Him again, after all we can do. I love that my Savior, in His perfect love, atoned for my many sins, shortcomings, inadequacies, pains, and imperfections; that He, a man without blemish, advocates perfection in all of my flaws.

Merry Christmas. :)

Nearer, My God, To Thee.

I've been called crazy by friends a few times because whenever I have something going on in life, 

happy or sad, I talk to a lottt of people about it. Haha. 

You can call me crazy if you want to, but do you know what I think? 

I may have already said it on this blog before, but my favorite concept is this: 

Shared sorrow is half sorrow, and shared joy is double joy.

!!!

Isn't that the best?? 

That's probably my favorite thing about blogging. I love to read about everyone's lives and be excited for the good things going on for them, and pray for them when times aren't so great. 

Sometimes, though, I think the only person that can really hear me is the Lord. 

So today I drove around until I found this place that I'm deeming as my own version of the Sacred Grove, and we talked for a while.

In the times where patience would be the most beneficial, I find it a difficult and daunting task.

I often fall short of what is expected of me; of what I expect of myself.

I easily slip into feelings of inadequacy- of feeling as though I can't measure up. 

But it's all soothed with a bittersweetness; I don't want to be perfect. 

Perfect requires attention to consequences.

It inhibits the freedom to deviate along the way,

the freedom to learn for yourself what truly brings you happiness.

Thus, in all of my impatient selfishness, I can't complain with the direction in which my life is headed. 

No, sir. 

                                                                                        And you know what else?

I AM loved; by a being even greater than our own.

By a love more infinite than imaginable.

In a way more tangible than life, itself.

Oh, and YOU are too. :)

And in case you were wondering, this perfect little place is Springfield. I invite you out there for a drive sometime soon. 

Hello!

Well, apparently I haven't blogged since mid August, and here I am sitting on the edge of where 2013 meets 2014 finally taking a moment to write. Nathan was ordained as an Elder last Sunday, and on Friday he went through the temple and received his endowments! One of the things I've struggled with the most, is feeling like Nathan has had to miss out on so many experiences that so many of us are able to have here on this Earth. My heart is just so full knowing that this is not one of those experiences. Nathan was literally glowing that whole night. I've never seen him so happy or peaceful. I wish I could explain how grateful I am to not only be his sister, but to be the sibling closest to him in age. He's always been my best friend, and he has blessed my life in so many ways. 

1 year!!

If you follow me on Instagram, then you already know that Matthew hit his year mark on Thursday! It was definitely an exciting day for me. While it seemed like such a long year, at the same time I found myself thinking, "It's already been a year?!" And only having 1 year to go makes me so giddy. 1 year seems SO much less than 2! 

I feel so blessed to be such a big part of Matt's life. I learn from him in every single letter he writes. He is at his favorite part of his mission so far, and because he's had some pretty difficult times the past year, it's such a relief that he is doing so well right now! He's currently serving as zone leader in a city called Jena, with his favorite companion so far, and he couldn't be happier. And I couldn't be more proud! 

I quickly put together this video of a few of the pictures and videos he's sent me so far. I really admire the missionary that he is, and that he is able to have so much fun while working so hard. The quality is awful because Matthew's camera is cheap. (oops! my fault.) But it's still easy to tell that he is enjoying his time in Germany. Enjoy!

             

Mt. Timanogos Temple. :)

Tuesday night was spent with my best friend Abigail at the temple. Going to the temple is a beautiful experience for many reasons. Not only do I get to leave feeling rejuvenated enough to take on the world ahead of me, but I also love it because I believe it is one of the most Christ-like things we can do. Even though I can only do baptisms at this point, it still feels amazing every time knowing that I got to help someone by doing something that they could not do for themselves. Jesus Christ did something for us, that none of us could do for ourselves. He made the ultimate sacrifice so that we could each be forgiven of all of our sins. I think it was President Uchtdorf who said, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you do." Or something like that. Sometimes there will be people in life that can make you feel dirty for your mistakes, and it can really hurt...repentance can be hard, and you probably suffered a little or a lot already...but can I tell you something? Each and every one of us has short-comings; some blatantly announcing themselves to the world, others only obvious to ourselves. Some physically limiting, others mentally obstructing. Whether visible or hidden, they exist. Sometimes other peoples' mistakes will directly affect us, but I believe it is a part of charity to accept them for who they are now and move past it. Can that be hard sometimes? Absolutely. Will it be worth it? Most definitely. 

Lives and hearts CAN be changed. And President Monson promised us that as we take advantage of the Atonement, those sins will be forgiven AND forgotten. 

I'm so grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! 

There's just no better goal, right?

From the road, it is simply a building. 

Nothing but an enormous amount of cement, bricks, and sidewalks.

But I know better.

Step closer,

climb up the stairs,

move softly into its doorway, 

and you will begin to know too.

Close your eyes and breathe in the scents of

Security and Warmth and Love bigger than any ocean;

as never ending as ones tides.

Surely you cannot help tingling all over,

touched by such warm rays the sun could never even know of.

All your fingers to escape you-

let them caress hundreds of lifetimes locked into every inch of this place.

You are standing in a history tied to thousands of other histories.

Close your eyes, but open your ears and listen.

Listen to sounds and words that can touch you, perhaps soften you,

and make you think of beautiful things;

things you would never dream of in your storm-tossed world.

Now open your eyes.

Open them and see! 

See the source of it all.

Then you will know what I know.

You will know why this place is different from all other places on Earth.

The lips on your face will smile without thick regard for your awkward imperfections.

I cannot help myself. 

I fall happily, softly

into the embrace of the One who makes all worthwhile

and who whispers,

"You can be anything and everything."

Back in Primary

 

Oh, has it been ages? Did you possibly think I may have passed away the day after Valentine's Day? 

Well, I am back to tell you about my new church calling! 

Last Sunday, my bishop called me into his office and asked me to be the teacher for the Valiant 11 primary girls. 

Of course I excitedly accepted.

Yesterday was my first day in the class. It took me 5 seconds to know how much I am going to love being in there with them. They are all so beautiful and precious...they seem so young. It made me think of myself at that age, and then I knew exactly why I had been called to that age group. Ironically, that year, 11 going on 12, being in 6th grade, was the worst year for me. I was always the shyest of my friends, which I think made me seem more naive and innocent. Not only did I seem that way though, I really was. And much to my surprise, many of my friends who were once the same way, were changing really quickly. Maybe I was older than most of you by the time you learned about this stuff (I already said I was naive!), but some of my closest friends started making small changes that had major negative affects on me. Swearing, drugs, making out with guys  (haha) and little things like this seemed huge to me at the time. I was constantly uncomfortable, and getting used to it was just not an option for me. I told my friends straight up how I felt and I had to let some of them go. Isn't that funny? Now, I don't often even make a comment when a friend swears. And THAT is why I think I got this calling. To help me remember that those little things are HUGE. That was the year my testimony grew more than any other year, and hopefully I can have some sort of impact on those adorable innocent girls. 

Already after 2 hours they have made the biggest impact on me. 

Also, you all heard Matthew got his mission call to Frankfurt, Germany, right? He leaves May 16th, and is so so so excited. 

I know you want to, throw all of your advice at me for my waiting time! GO! 

Come listen to the prophet's voice.

Lately, I stress and I fuss more than usual. (which was already a lot)

I stress that I'm taking meaningless classes. I stress that Matthew is leaving soon, and I've stupidly made him my only friend. I fuss because my body aches, without quitting, and it's so weird because I feel pain in three different places in my fingers, which just tells you how much it hurts everywhere else. Is there such thing as rapid-onset-full-body-arthritis? Or is my job just getting to me?

Luckily, I know the best, nay, the one and only, hiding spot from all of these things. And today is YOUR lucky day, because I am letting you in on my secret hiding spot.

What you'll need:

a comfortable place to sit or lay

earphones

a smart phone or laptop with internet

and lds.org

When I've made all the calls that I need to for the day at work, I put my earphones in, and I turn on the General Authorities. I sometimes sit at my desk for 6 hours, typing up applications while listening to the beautiful, peaceful, hopeful words from God through his servants. At my own little desk, in my own little world, I laugh, I cry, and I smile along with the prophets of our Heavenly Father. And then I realize:

I don't need to rush through college, despite what everyone else says. Matthew is going to be the best missionary in the world, and writing him is going to be a wonderful learning, (and romantic) experience for me. And my body aches (most likely) are not permanent.

I'm not gonna lie, every talk is absolute perfection; but some were meant especially for me, exactly where I am at this point in my life. And since so many of you are in the same point of life as me, I'll give you my favorites. I invite you to feel peace.

 We are the Greatest Generation

                                L. Tom Perry

Give us This Day our Daily Bread

                                          D. Todd Christofferson

The Holy Temple-A Beacon to the World

                                  Thomas S. Monson

Face the Future with Faith

                                  Russell M. Nelson

Desire

                         Dallin H. Oaks

Your Potential, Your Privilege

                                   Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Guardians of Virtue

                             Elaine S. Dalton

Coming to Know

                             Rosemary Wixom